Discover how "The Rhythm of Reconciliation" guides healing and unity through understanding, connection, and peaceful resolution.
"The Rhythm of Reconciliation" explores the essential steps toward healing and restoring relationships. Through understanding emotions, fostering empathy, and embracing forgiveness, this video highlights practical ways to resolve conflicts peacefully. Whether in personal or community settings, learn how to create harmony and rebuild trust by following the natural rhythm of reconciliation. Join us on this transformative journey toward lasting peace and connection.
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We all have done, and we’re all going to do things that hurt God and hurt others.
That’s called sin - missing the mark.
We can sin against God and sin against others. And if you don’t think you do it, remember Paul says everything not done in faith is sin (Romans 14:23)
There are sins of commission (1 John 5:17)—where I actively do something to hurt God and or hurt others—and sins of omission (James 4:17)—where I don’t do the good I know I ought to do.
We can sin and hurt God and (or) others OR do the same by withholding the good we know we ought to do. And my sin affects the community around me (Matthew 18:30). It’s not just that my sin is between me and God. My sin affects you. Your sin affects me.
When we sin against God
When we sin against God, when we confess and repent we will be forgiven (1 John 1:9) and brought back into relationship with Him. His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness (2 Peter 1:3). He empowers us to accomplish every good work prompted by faith (2 Thessalonians 1:11). Holy Spirit will convict us of our sin (John 16:7-11) and empower us to repent with our whole heart. (Joel 2:12)
When we sin against others
When we sin against others. It may not be as easy.
It makes things uncomfortable. You might not forgive me. There may not be reconciliation. It’s messy and uncomfortable and necessary for all of us to become more and more like Jesus.
It’s not easy—sin never makes anything easier—but it’s worth it.
This is why we need to better understand and learn to put into practice Confession and Repentance and Forgiveness and Reconciliation.
There’s a lot to cover so let’s start with prayer.
Pray
I should warn you—with all that I’ve studied up for the message I know I will be using it to rewrite 2/3rds of a course I’m working on called Live Unoffendable. We can only do a bird-eye view of it today…we will be flying through it.
So take the notes and search the scriptures and figure out what God wants you to do. There may be some sensitive things I blow past that catch you off guard. It might not have been what you were taught before. Maybe it’s something you’ve never experienced.
So if you ever need to talk through something, Karen and I are available.
I woke up one day thinking about the process and all the problems we can have along it and realized something that amazed me…it’s almost poetic. Look at how it lays out…
The Rhythm of Reconciliation
Sin
Confession
Repent with your whole heart
Forgive with your whole heart
Reconciliation
Love
It’s beautiful in its symmetry. It’s gorgeous in its design. It’s The Rhythm of Reconciliation. I would hope ninety percent of the time, this is how this should work.
When the one who sins repents with their whole heart and the offended ones forgive with their whole heart, it is a beautiful dance that strengthens relationships and makes us all more like Jesus.
But…you and I are being redeemed. We live in a world that has yet to be redeemed. We are surrounded by people who are yet to be redeemed or in the process of being redeemed. And we have an enemy that comes to kill, steal and destroy.
So there are ways we can easily stumble in this elegant dance of Confession and Repentance; Forgiveness and Reconciliation. We’ll get to the 5 Fumbles that cause us to stumble In the Rhythm of Reconciliation in a moment.
Definitions of the Acts in the Rhythm of Reconciliation
Let’s start with some definitions so we’re all on the same page. I’ll explain these as we go along, but you need to know where I’m going.
Confession
Confession is agreeing that what you did or didn’t do was sin.
We need to confess, to God and confess to those we affect with our sin as well. When we confess to God we know…If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9) When we confess to those we offended it might not go as smoothly.
Repentance
two words in scripture - Greek - μετάνοια (Metanoia) change your mind, Hebrew is תשובה (Teshuvah) - Turn around and go in the opposite direction.
We’re told to repent with our whole heart. (Joel 2:12). Our heart is the seat of our decision, our emotion and our actions. That means we need to
Decide to repent (Acts 17:30),
Allow Godly sorrow to lead us to repentance (2 Corinthians 7:10),
Produce fruit in keeping in repentance (Matthew 3:8)
That’s repenting with your whole heart. The one who sins (the offender) needs to repent with their whole heart.
Forgiveness
The one who is sinned against (the offended) needs to forgive with their whole heart (Matthew 18:35).
What does that mean?
Our heart is the seat of our decision, our emotion and our actions. That means we
Decide to forgive (Mark 11:25)
Bless those who curse us and pray for those who persecute us (Luke 6:28 )
Do what we can to live at peace with all people (Romans 12:18).
We do this because Christ has forgiven us (Colossians 3:13) and the Father loves us too much to forgive us without us first forgiving others (Matthew 6:14-15).
Reconciliation
Means making friends again. It’s what Christ did for us (Romans 5:10) so we need to seek it with each other (2 Corinthians 5:18) Reconciliation is God’s will for us, but it’s not guaranteed.
If the offender doesn’t repent with their whole heart or the offended doesn’t forgive with their whole heart reconciliation is impossible.
When either of these things happen we’re still to what we can to live at peace with all people. Romans 12:15-24
When it works, It’s the rhythm of reconciliation and it is beautiful. It’s like a dance. This is a gift from God.
The Rhythm of Reconciliation Review
Sin
Confession
Repent with your whole heart
Forgive with your whole heart
Reconciliation
Love
It is beautiful in its simplicity and powerful in experience. It builds relationships and makes them stronger. It’s God’s will for us—when we sin against Him and each other to confess and repent with our whole heart and the one who is offended to forgive with their whole heart and reconcile with the offender.
But, as I’ve already mentioned, we don’t live in an ideal world.
Sin never makes anything easier.
And what about evil in this world? Terrible things have been done to so many people. Where’s justice in this rhythm?
As you can expect the Rhythm of Reconciliation can go off-course and be left undone in several ways. We’ll be looking at the major ones for the rest of this message..
5 Fumbles That Cause us to Stumble In the Rhythm of Reconciliation
1. Failing to Confront
2. Fudging Repentance
3. Forgetting the Purpose
4. Forgiving Therapeutically not Biblically
5. Focusing on Justice over Grace
Any one of these 5 fumbles can cause us to stumble and make real reconciliation impossible.
Let’s look at the Parable of the unmerciful servant:
Matthew 18:21–30
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him.
Understand how much a talent was. - 1 talent could pay a labourer’s wages for around 20 years (assuming 300 working days per year). Unbelievable amount was owed…10,000
Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
“At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.
Understand what a denarius was - It was a days wages. So 100 days wages would be 1/3rd of your annual income (assuming 300 working days a year). Insignificant to 10,000 talents, but impossible for most people who were living pay-check to pay-check to pay in one go.
He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.
Have you ever wondered how debtors prison worked? I did when I a kid. I had to look it up.
How do they make any sense? You owe me money so I’m going to throw you in jail until you can pay back what you owe me? How are you going to earn any money in prison?
Debtors prison have been a thing since slavery has been a thing. What you’re sold for would likely only covers part of what was owed.
But in a debtors prison you have a family who can redeem you by paying what you owe. One-third of year of salary—for most people—will take time of spending less and earning more. If people are living on subsistence, this is a significant burden on any family.
The point: Your sin affects me. My sin affects you. A husband’s sin affects a wife. A wife’s sin affects a husband. A pastor’s sin affects a church. A church’s sin affects a pastor.
Do not take sin too lightly. I’ve heard too many Christians say something I’ve said myself too many times —“No one is perfect. God will forgive.” But sin never makes anything easier.
Fumbles that can cause us to stumble
The first fumble that can cause us to stumble in the Rhythm of Reconciliation is Failing to Confront.
1. Failing to Confront
When sin occurs it’s too easy to sweep it under the rug and think we’re being spiritual about it. “Honour everyone” can equal “we don’t confront people’s sin”.
Churches that focus on honouring the pastor get into trouble. We’re supposed to honour each other ahead of ourselves. (Romans 12:10, Philippians 2:3). It’s about us honouring each other.
Yes, those who teach are worthy of double honour (1 Timothy 5:17) but they will also be judged more harshly (James 3:1) so it’s not wisdom to seek your own honour (Proverbs 25:27). We need to honour each other ahead of ourselves.
A major church recently has confessed that they failed to confront sin—the leadership covered their own butts, but they didn’t follow Christ’s command to address sin in the church. And they admitted that opened the door for abuse to take place in their ministry. It’s ugly.
That’s not the way God designed us to deal with inevitability of sin—especially unrepentant sin. We’ll get to that in a minute. First remember what Paul told the Galatians:
Galatians 6:1:
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.
Tip: I know I’m not in the right place if I’m ready to put someone else in their place. If I’m going to knock someone off their high horse, I’m doing it from my own high horse.
I need to be able to restore that person gently. I can’t start confrontation by being offended. I need to get right with God before I try to get someone else right with God.
Let’s remember that it’s Holy Spirit role to convict our sin (John 16:8). And He will—when we listen. Matthew records Jesus telling us:
Matthew 5:23-24
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
Holy Spirit will also convict us to confront—when we listen.
Luke 17:1-4
Jesus said to his disciples: “Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble. So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”
Three commands in verse 3 are:
- προσέχετε — Be vigilant or watchful.
- ἐλέγχετε — Confront or rebuke the person who sins against you.
- ἀφίετε — Forgive the person if they repent.
There’s no command to not forgive if they don’t repent.
Both the offender AND the offended have a responsibility to go to each other to be reconciled.
When that doesn’t happen…
Steps to Confront
Jesus gives us the steps to confront in the church.
Matthew 18:15-20
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
4 Steps to Confront Sin in the Church
1. Go to the one who offended you, if they repent awesome!
2. If they don’t repent, take two or three people with you
3. If they they refuse to listen, take them to the church
4. If they still refuse - treat them as a tax collector
Interesting enough the verses we use for prayer and not about prayer at all. They are about casting out the unrepentant. “Whatever is bound on earth is already bound in heaven and wherever 2 or 3 are gathered I will be with you and my father will do what you ask.”
Maybe we have co-opted those verses for prayer because we’ve ignored excommunication?
Sin never makes anything easier.
Paul told Timothy about people who shipwrecked their faith:
1 Timothy 1:20
Among them are Hymenaeus and Alexander,
whom I have handed over to Satan to be taught not to blaspheme.
That sounds harsh. But the purpose of Excommunication is Reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 2:5-11)
When someone has hardened their heart to not hear the Spirit tell them they have sinned against God and others—and they refuse to listen to prayerful confrontation—we bind them on earth and they will be bound in heaven and hand them over the accuser so that they can be taught not to blaspheme.
The good news is that this isn’t a common occurrence. The bad news is most people—when confronted on real sin—just choose to leave.
Some may go to another church and start causing problems there. Others may right off church altogether and choose to be offended that their sin was called out.
The first fumble that can cause us to stumble in the Rhythm of Reconciliation is Failing to Confront. The second fumble that can cause us to stumble is Fudging Repentance.
2. Fudging Repentance
If you’ve had kids who are old enough to talk, you have kids who know when they’re offended.
We have two kids and told them to “say sorry” when they said or did something that hurt the other or didn’t do something to help the other.
Kids know when the other didn’t mean it. Parents pick up on the tone “SOOOOORY” You can feel the eye roll.
Just as an aside: We say “sorry” too much in Canadian culture. It’s basically meaningless. I’m trying something different in my interactions.
Instead of saying sorry, I’m choose to be grateful for the grace of the other.
I’m sorry I was late vs Thank you for your patience.
I’m sorry I for rambling vs Thank you for listening.
"Sorry to bother you…” vs "Thanks for helping me with this".
I’m trying to put the others ahead of myself—to look out for their interests instead of my own.
But we’re not talking about personality clashes here. We’re talking about sin. And sin is something we take far too casually in most cases.
We can be far too flippant in our repentance and nothing ever changes.
Sin never makes anything easier.
Jesus knew this and that’s why he said
Luke 17:3-4 (NIV): "So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.
We Fudge Repentance because it’s easier if we don’t insist on it. “Well he said he was sorry,” even though nothing changes. We can spiritualize our reluctance to insist on true repentance and mistakenly call say “it’s for peace”.
The only people I’ve seen publicly held to account were couples who weren’t married and she was pregnant. Yes she had to be pregnant—as if a child is sin. That’s not the time to point out sin publicly. Jesus gave us the pattern. We need to use the pattern.
Sin separates us from our holy God. Jesus did everything for us to be in right relationship with him and has given us all we need for life and godliness. Just the fact we can be face to face with the Creator of seen and unseen should put us in awe. We should be Holy because He is holy. Sin can’t have place in our life.
What I didn’t know when I was raising my kids was the Hebrew understanding of heart—that it’s the seat of the emotions and also the seat of the decision and the seat of the action. Then I found out we need to repent with our whole heart and I realized that solves the problem of fudging repentance.
We’re told to repent with our whole heart. (Joel 2:12). That means we need to
Decide to repent (Acts 17:30),
Allow Godly sorrow to lead us to repentance (2 Corinthians 7:10),
Produce fruit in keeping in repentance (Matthew 3:8)
Tip: Confess to someone you can trust. Don’t do this on your own. Let someone hold you accountable.
James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
You can’t say sorry and do nothing to show repentance. We can’t reconcile if I don’t trust that you changed.
The next fumble that can cause us to stumble in the Rhythm of Reconciliation is Forgetting the Purpose.
3. Forgetting the Purpose
When we forget the purpose of each act, we can upheave the Rhythm of Reconciliation. So let me let you in on them now.
The purpose of Confession is Repentance (1 John 1:8–10). We need to repent with our whole heart. (Joel 2:12).
The purpose of Confession AND Repentance needs to be Reconciliation (Psalm 51:1–4,10–12) - not just Forgiveness.
We get ourselves into problems if we confess and repent just to be forgiven. We need to do the work to move onto to reconciliation. It has to be our goal. Reconciliation isn’t just patching the relationship it’s deepening it and making it stronger (2 Corinthians 5:17–21).
If the person we’re in relationship with doesn’t forgive us it shouldn’t stop us to rebuilding trust that needs to happen for reconciliation. Often that means letting the offended set the boundaries and slowly rebuilding trust. Their forgiveness of you is between them and God. You need confess and repent with your whole heart and work at making things better.
Reconciliation is NOT POSSIBLE without the offender doesn’t repent with their whole heart OR if the offended doesn’t forgive with their whole heart.
Forgiveness is about my relationship with God (Matthew 6:14) and how I treat others. (Col 3:13) Forgiveness facilities reconciliation, but it’s not dependant on confession, repentance or reconciliation (Mark 11:25).
Sin never makes anything easier.
Forgiveness has everything to do with your relationship with God. (Matthew 6:14) He has forgiven you, you need to forgive others. (Colossians 3:13) There’s a barrier that comes up between you and Him when He cannot forgive your sin.
Why would he do that?
I don’t know why fully. I suspect reconciliation is his heart’s cry. I know It’s for our own good. (Psalm 103:10) He wants reconciliation with us, even if reconciliation is impossible between us and the offender. So forgive early, forgive often (Matthew 18:21–22), keep no record of being wronged (1 Corinthians 13:5).
Spouses you don’t do your marriage any favour by waiting until your spouse apologizes before you forgive. I guarantee you, they probably don’t even notice when you go quiet. Confront them in love, not in anger. Let them agree and if needed repent, you forgive and get to reconciliation—get back to being friends again.
In safe relationships the purpose of Forgiveness is Reconciliation—it’s part of the process of confession and repentance; forgiveness and reconciliation.
In unsafe situations I still need to bless those who curse me and pray for those who persecute me (Matthew 5:44) and—as far as it depends on me—to live at peace with all people. (Romans 12:18) I need to forgive with my whole heart for my sake, not theirs.
Forgiveness is about my relationship with God
The Purpose of Reconciliation is love…and remember Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, isn’t rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13:4-5) That’s right…love covers a multitude of sin (1 Peter 4:8)
TIP: Forgiveness is about the vertical relationship. It will affect the horizontal relationship but it not dependant on those horizontal relationship.
In close relationship, forgive early, forgive often. Keep no records of wrongs.
Another fumble that can cause us to stumble in the Rhythm of Reconciliation is Forgiving Therapeutically not Biblically.
4. Forgiving Therapeutically not Biblically
Unmerciful servant continued…Remember the one who owed 100 denarius is in jail.
Matthew 18:31–35
When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
Listen to verse 35….
“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
Sin never makes anything easier.
There’s this thing going around Christian circles now that differentiates Therapeutic Forgiveness vs Biblical Forgiveness.
Basically Therapeutic Forgiveness is forgiveness that can work in a therapeutic situation, but isn’t so clear in Scripture. I use therapeutic forgiveness when I talk to people who don’t want to bring God into the conversation.
Everyone understands forgiveness. You don’t need chapter and verse to explain it.
"Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die." — Marianne Williamson
"Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge." — Isaac Friedmann
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ― Oscar Wilde
In the church, I personally label “forgiving God” and “forgiving myself” as Therapeutic Forgiveness. It can have some benefit, but neither are in the Bible.
What’s in the Bible is to live unoffended at God because it makes no theological sense to forgive Him. And nine times out of ten forgiving yourself is better called and confessed as the “sin of unbelief” since if God has forgiven you, who are to hold a grudge.
But other well-meaning Christians are saying “always forgiving everyone” is therapeutic not biblical and that it’s biblical to wait until the other person asks for forgiveness before you forgive them. But they don’t understand what forgiving with your whole heart means.
The commands in Luke 17:3-4 are to watch out, confront and forgive. We’re not commanded to not forgive. We’re never told to withhold forgiveness for any reason. Withholding forgiveness for any reason doesn’t line up with Mark 11:25-26; Matthew 6:12-15; Luke 11:4; Matthew 18:21-35, Luke 6:37.
I have seen far too much needless grief because people have waited for others “who should know to repent” to repent. I’ve seen the pain in relationships when the offended didn’t want to let the offender off the hook.
We forgive because Christ first forgave us (Ephesians 4:32) not because the person repented.
Remember what I’ve been saying this Rhythm of Reconciliation is wonderfully effective when we use it correctly. When we confess our sin and repent with our whole heart it’s easy to for the offended to forgive with their whole heart and reconciliation to happen and the relationship is stronger.
But even if confession, repentance and reconciliation don’t happen we still need to forgive with our whole heart for our own sake and because of what Christ has done for us.
Tip: Forgive because Christ forgave you. It’s for your sake, not theirs. It’s to keep your relationship with God flourishing. Forgive with your whole heart. (Matthew 18:35)
Our heart is the seat of our decision, our emotion and our actions. That means we
Decide to forgive (Mark 11:25)
Bless those who curse us and pray for those who persecute us (Luke 6:28 )
Do what we can to live at peace with all people (Romans 12:18).
Peace is the emotion we feel when we forgive with our whole heart. If you do not have peace about something that has happened you and for the first time you’re hearing you haven’t forgiven with your whole heart if you don’t have peace about it.
We can help you with this.
Living with peace has less to do with the severity of the offence and more to do with the lies the enemy have convinced you are true concerning the offence.
It’s therapeutic, but based on biblical principles of the Holy Spirit teaching us all truth. We let Holy Spirit heal the trauma of the event with the truth He speaks.
You can be free. You need to be free. Stop trying to convince yourself you’ve forgiven. Your emotions tell you what you really believe.
The final fumble that I’ve seen cause us to stumble in the Rhythm of Reconciliation is focusing on justice over grace.
5. Focusing on Justice over Grace
Forgiveness doesn’t negate justice.
We forgive because Christ forgave us (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13, Matthew 18:21–22, 1 John 2:1–2 Matthew 6:14-15, Romans 5:8, Colossians 1:13–14, Hebrews 8:12) and if we don’t forgive others God can’t forgive us (Matthew 6:14–15, Matthew 18:23–35, Mark 11:25–26).
That doesn’t mean the offender gets off scot-free, even if they repented with their whole heart.
I will still testify in court (Proverbs 12:17).
I will tell Christians their marriage covenant was broken when their spouse had the affair (Matthew 19:9). And
If there is no safety or repentance I will counsel Christians to leave abusive situations (Proverbs 22:3).
We can do all those things and still hand our right for justice over to God knowing He will avenge and He will repay. (Romans 12:19)
Forgiveness is my relationship with God. We put the offender in His hands.
It’s never easy. Sin never makes anything easier.
Let me tell you the story about how I learned about forgiveness and what focusing on justice instead of grace can look like. I was trying to avoid personal stories this message because I know it will go long, but this one is too good.
A Tale of Two Women
It happened when I was young pastor—probably 25 or 26. I know every 25-year old think they know everything. I knew there was so much I didn’t know that I didn’t know what I didn’t know. But what I knew I really knew. And forgiveness was something I really thought I knew. I didn’t know—but I thought I knew.
I had two women come in about the same time.
The first one came in because she was looking for a church for her husband. She saw the sign we had out front and the lettering was pink. Since pink was her favourite colour and the sign said “Looking for a sign from God to come to church? This is it.” She took is as a sign that God was telling her this was the church her husband to go to.
Her husband had an affair. She was a believer, he was raised Mormon, but wasn’t practicing. She confronted him about her suspicions and he told her about the affair he had with a co-worker. Through much anger and tears she was able to lead Him to Christ —something she had been praying for since she first met him.
This put her in a theological hard spot.
Did God let her husband have an affair so he’d become a follower of Christ? I tried to tell her “No. God takes terrible situations and turns them into good.”
Since God forgave him, if she forgave him he would be off the hook?
I tried to tell her “No. Forgiveness lets you off the hook, not the person you forgive. He broke the covenant you don’t have to stay with Him…but you do need to forgive him, for your sake.”
We met several times over several weeks. Since she knew God was rich in mercy, she figured He’d let her husband off the hook. In her mind that meant she couldn’t forgive her husband or else he’d get off, and if she divorced him he’d avoid her wrath.
In one of our last meetings I told her—and this was a word of knowledge for her, I’m not saying the same thing will happen every time, I told her: “If you don’t forgive him—and remember I’m not saying you have to blindly trust him, and I’m not saying you have to stay with him—but if you don’t forgive him for your sake, in six months time you won’t believe God even exists.”
She was shocked. She didn’t believe me. God had been her only refuge through this mess. He was the only thing keeping her sane. How could she ever not believe He exists?
“Because if you don’t forgive others, God can’t forgive you. Your sin removes you from his presence. In six months you won’t believe he exists.”
About the same time I was counselling this situation, another woman came in to see me.
She was skittish and nervous. She sat away from the window with her back to the wall. She wore an oversized hoodies and kept her dark glasses on—at the start—but I could see the bruises and noticed how gingerly she sat.
She slowly explained her husband was trying to kill her. She showed me the button she could press that would bring the police to her position within two minutes.
But her husband was an expert sharpshooter and she knew if he wanted to, no restraining order would keep her alive.
I was a young pastor who knew he didn’t even know what he didn’t know. But I knew what I knew about forgiveness.
I was praying to God as I told her she had to forgive him for her sake.
She was shocked. “I can’t go back to live with him.”
“No, no, no” I told her. “You’re mistaking forgiveness with trust.” Forgiveness is between you and God. Trust can only be rebuilt in a safe relationship. Do not put yourself in a place where you can be hurt again. Forgiving someone does not mean they don’t face the consequences for their actions. It does not mean you put yourself into harm’s way. You are not a doormat for him to step on.”
She fairly readily chose to forgive him that day. We only met that one day.
About six months later I notice a visitor in our service. She sat in the back row with a big mile on her face. She kept smiling throughout the sermon, like she knew me. I didn’t have a clue who she was. She was a beautiful, physically gorgeous person. It was all a little odd.
After the service I made my way back down the side to greet her and she ran to me leapt in the air to give me a hug around my neck.
I think the first thing I said was, “Have you met my wife?”
I did not recognize her. She told me her name and then I made the connection. I could not believe the woman standing before me was the one I knew six months before. What she said humbled and astounded me.
She was able to testify. Her husband was in jail. He wasn’t getting out for a long time. She was in witness relocation and was being moved but wanted to come and tell me what happened. She no longer had to fear for her life.
“But,” she said, “it’s not because all these things happened that made the difference. Everything changed for me the day I chose to forgive him.”
As she said those words, I heard a noise and I looked over my shoulder and saw the husband of the first woman talking to someone.
He had been attending the church for about six months. He was growing in God, maturing in his faith. He was baptized, attending our home group. Him and I met weekly to talk about God and his life. He was living in the basement and they were living like roommates. He cooked meals every night and took care of shopping and cleaning up. He left his work and found new employment, as his wife demanded.
I think it was that morning before the service he told me his wife wouldn’t be coming to church anymore. In tears he told me she had stopped believing in God.
And in that moment I saw what focusing on justice over grace can do.
Tip: Leave it God, he will repay. Forgiveness is necessary, reconciliation is dependant on repenting with our whole heart and forgiving with our whole heart.
Our story of the first couple wasn’t over. Years later we ran into them again. She eventually forgave him after a long period of torment for both of them. They invited us over to meet their new baby.
She eventually choose forgiveness and they found reconciliation. I can’t recommend their journey, but do want to point out - it’s never too late to forgive.
Conclusion
The Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold is called Kintsugi (金継ぎ), which literally means "golden joinery" or "golden repair."
The broken thing becomes more valuable because it’s repaired with gold.
In Christian thought the word is gravitas.
It [gravitas] speaks to a soul that has developed enough spiritual mass to be attractive, like gravity. It makes the soul appear old, but gravitas has nothing to do with age. It has everything to do with wounds that have healed well, failures that have been redeemed, sins that have been forgiven, and thorns that have settled into the flesh. These severe experiences with life expand the soul until it appears larger than the body that contains it. Then it is large enough to proclaim a holy joy, which makes the soul so attractive. M. Craig Barnes “The Pastor as Minor Poet” p. 49
People can have gravitas. Couples can have gravitas. Churches can have gravitas and I want to believe nations can have gravitas.
It comes through The Rhythm of Reconciliation
The Rhythm of Reconciliation
Sin
Confession
Repent with your whole heart
Forgive with your whole heart
Reconciliation
Love
Relationships grow stronger, not just survive. We—together—are being made more and more into the image of Christ.
If you’re wanting to grow gravitas in your life or relationship, find someone with gravitas and journey with them for a while. They will show you how to have wounds that have healed well, failures that have been redeemed, sins that have been forgiven, and thorns that have settled into the flesh.
Can I pray?
For those who are just realizing Sin never makes anything easier. Help them to repent with their whole heart.
For those realizing they need to Forgive, help them forgive with their whole heart.
As we enter this time of communion, help us to examine our relationship with you and our relationships with each other.
End with Communion
Communion is the time God has given us—as often as we do it—to examine our relationship with Him and our relationships with each other. Too often we breeze past it. I’m going to start with it today. Near the end of Paul’s instructions to the church in Corinth he writes:
1 Corinthians 11:27-30
So then, whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of sinning against the body and blood of the Lord. Everyone ought to examine themselves before they eat of the bread and drink from the cup. For those who eat and drink without discerning the body of Christ eat and drink judgment on themselves. That is why many among you are weak and sick, and a number of you have fallen asleep.
Who is the body of Christ? We are.
We need to examine ourselves Vertically and Horizontally.
Examine yourself -
Vertically with God -
“If I’ve done anything to make you unhappy, please show me.” (1John 1:9)
Confess what He shows you. Do what you can to repent with whole heart. He forgives and reconciles you with himself. You can do it now.
Horizontally with each other -
It takes more work because reconciliation takes work. Trust takes time. But you can start the process here and now.
“Does anyone have anything against me?” (Matthew 5:23-24)
If they are here - go to them and be reconciled with them.
“Do I have anything against anyone else?” (Luke 17:3-4)
If they are here - get in the right spot and go tell them, allow them to repent and forgive them.
When we don’t discern the body rightly we eat and drink judgement on ourselves (1 Corinthians 11:29)
